No Conscience Blues

Kicking rocks down the road of a thousand sins may or may not be a legitimate form of education but an education nonetheless, and only the keenest of the road scholars will survive with their hearts intact. The alumni are many: some have chosen but most have unwittingly stumbled into their studies; a few have received one or more degrees from “legitimate” universities before realizing that life is as treacherous as it looks. Fiction and textbooks are far more forgiving. Any way it happens, our students begin wandering the laboratory of life.

The lowest percentile think they are teaching themselves, that they are learning life’s lessons all on their own; while the middle percentile accept the fact that for learning to occur a teacher is generally needed, and they spend their time searching for qualified instructors. It is only the cream of the crop, the upper one to five percent of the school of hard knocks, life’s university, the true road scholars who are able to realize that everyone they meet, every situation they find, every success and every failure, are their teachers.

I guess I found myself enrolled unwittingly and for awhile I thought I was under my own tutelage. Although I was a good student, it took awhile to realize where the teachings where coming from and where the focus should be trained. This may sound like I rolled out of a sleeping bag one morning with a light bulb glowing above my head or arose from a meditation cushion with profound realizations. Let’s not be hasty. I’m as ignorant as they come about many things, and while the early years of my study where filled with arrogance and foolhardy mistakes, I was led by a mind of passion and a contradictory kind heart. Living by your wits ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, and not nearly as romantic as the retelling of these events may lead you to believe (films, novels… folk songs?). The lessons, though, have been profound; and after ruminating on the consequences of my actions I can see how some may have believed I had no conscience. This couldn’t have been further from the truth, so this became a joke to protect my integrity. I would say I was living the no conscious blues, and I ignored the ones who put this label upon me as if it didn’t matter.

If you’re following me, you’re beginning to understand how tough exteriors, promiscuous leanings, and an out-and-out defiance of authority are merely walls. These structures are feverishly thrown up to protect us, seemingly, from those around us but really from our own minds. Of course this appears to be going on without our knowledge and this is where it begins, the testing process. This is the most difficult part for a road scholar, for you need to slow down for the lessons to catch up with you. You have to go inside and take inventory. If ever … most of us only get to this point on our death-bed. And so for me, imminent death and blindness are what it took to cool my jets, and let the passionate mind mix with the kind heart.

Now I believe I am in the testing mode for the duration, writing my thesis, throwing out the bad ideas and highlighting the good ones. Getting rid of the no conscience blues facade and replacing it with tales from this rough and rocky road that’s got me here. Wisdom coming, although I’ve got a long way to go…………………….